Show Printable Version; Email this Page… 01-30-2011, 04:32 PM #1. confused24. No one benefits. It sounds as if you are NOT completely over him... Go NC until you are and this wont bother you at all. Some are afraid of getting out there again, so they keep their former relationship alive as a way of staying involved and not feeling single again," Walfish explains. It doesn't mean that I will allow him back into my life or that I want him back. I love your ideas of what works for you. He is my Prince Charming!” she will instead be thinking something like, “He doesn’t get it. Great job of boundary setting and prioritizing your attention and focus. My ex is being so sweet to me because I threw a tantrum. Allow for others’ anger, it’s normal in a stepfamily. Wednesday Martin» Blog Archive » Love, Lust, Sex, Power, Romance: Is There a Third Partner in Your Marriage? And in some extreme cases, legal action must be taken if the ex-spouse is interfering in ways that are destructive or oppose the agreed upon parenting plan. I have learned to let the kids’ mom just be — she is who she is, and I won’t ever be able to change her. See if that works. I agree, we need to focus on the current marriage, the one we are in, not the one our partner left behind. Skin Care Uniquely You Fashion. When I found myself obsessing, it was actually my “clue” that I was going into peri-menopause. You may not want to, but really leaning in and feeling your emotions is integral to letting go of an ex. And that is 100% right. I wrote some of my own thoughts on where I’m at in OUR situation this past week on my site, would love your feedback. For those women in less dire circumstances, I really recommend that healthy boundaries are helpful to everyone. There are no other explanations why an ex would withhold your belongings from you. (could we agree on this one instead of “don’t take things so personally? I know I will run into him and I told him I wouldnt make anyone uncomfortable when that does happen. I don’t blame you. Why We Feel the Urge to Text an Ex "Many people can't stop thinking about their ex obsessively to ease a feeling of loneliness. Too much focus on everything but the marriage. He’s always getting so emotional over everything that I say or do. the stress has been overwhelming. Give us a break! Congratulations and thanks for sharing with others. Thanks for your perspective. http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295, Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling, What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender. So while it may be fairly easy in some situations to ignore the ex herself, it is often almost impossible to ignore, or not be obsessed with, the alienated children, especially when they are abusive, angry, and violent. For instance, it’s common for an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend to reenter your life in order to try to rekindle the loving connection that you once shared with one another. Luckily, if you feel unconditional love for your ex, that feeling never goes away.   You cannot paste images directly. She is getting on with the break up alot easier, she ended it while i still wanted to work things out. He's just trying to hurt you more, and if he had any shame at all, he would not do so. Finally, most of the women with stepkids I know and work with know better than to fall into the trap of competing with mom. Then, last week, one of my friends told me that my cheating ex-boyfriend is having a baby with his new girlfriend and she’s already six months pregnant (it was unplanned, apparently). He’s such a good guy! No one has the exclusive rights to Crazy! July 28, 2013 1:40 PM Subscribe. I agree with Joy in Reply 16. I will continue to follow the blogs and read as much as I can because it’s making a huge difference in my personal path to clarity. It's just the way it is. And I have no idea why he asked that. Learn how your comment data is processed. Its been okay. Tell him, “I don’t want to resent HER, but please talk with me first. Cry a lot. . I can breathe deeply, choose to not care about her, and decide that she has no impact on my life…but if my HUSBAND doesn’t do the same thing, then it’s futile. I think every woman partnered with a man with kids needs this encouragement to re-direct her energies and her focus whenever possible, even (perhaps especially!) Make time for the two of you solo. Copyright 2017 Stepcoupling.com. Please don’t tell me what my ex is doing . Mindy Gold. Now I’m not saying it’s easy or even that you want to. Maybe when we’re hurt, we all turn to the same vice. I don't care what my last ex-husband does now because we don't have a child. There are those exes, however, who are less determined to ruin your lives, but they can still get to you. I imagine we’ve brought in some ourselves. I did take exception with this, “The truth is, the EX is yesterday’s news. Public displays of affection are good for children to see. It takes you off guard, it trips you up, it is a regressive experience from a relational point of view. ARE we jealous of the ex at this age? Children do feel more secure when they know that their parents are happy and in a good and solid relationship. × All rights reserved. For the first 2 years of our relationship, I turned my head the other direction. […] read a post by Susan Wisdom called “Why Do You Care About the Ex?” which addresses the reasons why some StepMoms focus on the BioMom. But finally he realized that this compromise–I’ll be happy with him if he’ll let me avoid them–sort of works. confused24, Sometimes, a guy might feel so bad about what happened between him and his ex girl that he may think to himself, “I’ll do anything to prove to her that I’m truly sorry for hurting her. If he talks with his ex before getting your feelings, opinions, thoughts etc, she’s in the loop …and you’re not. The kids pick up on it and feel torn, confused and angry. Isn’t it time to move on? Your ex’s reality is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Anyway.... You can post now and register later. Addendum: This is not to say that you should in any way ignore or drop your obligations to preserve the relationship between the ex and her (or his) biological children. If so, can you talk with him about discussing stuff with YOU first and HER SECOND. I repeat WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? We ALL need it. Before you decide if and/or how you’d like to engage with an ex who’s returned, it’s important to understand the various reasons why this person may have come back in the first place. And neat site, I came via Wednesday Martin! And he stopped insisting on it. Let her be and spend good energy on relationships that count – your partner and the kids in your life, step or otherwise. My husband and I are our own base camp – support, unity, mutual trust, friendship, and love – we make daily deposits into our marriage relationship. So the answer to the question, “Why do you Care About the Ex” is “because HE still cares about her.” That’s the piece that doesn’t feel good. I can breathe deeply, choose to not care about her, and decide that she has no impact on my life…but if my HUSBAND doesn’t do the same thing, then it’s futile. That is the reality and it is pointless to get in a power struggle with Reality. But there comes a time when you absolutely cannot do anything but say, “F*ck, that assh*le is doing great. Wow! he wanted to talk and ask permission if he could still pay me a visit in my workplace. It’s an old, out of date relationship! × - YouTube I knew it wasn’t my normal pattern, so I dealt with my health and voila, there is no more obsessing. Bye means bye. Hi. No one can become a wedge between us – not his kids, not my kids, not his ex-wife. Why do we put up with all the questions that social media dredges up that really we just should not have to know about? You are right to point out that some of the ex-wives are not healthy individuals. So, now here I go. Susan, I love the emphasis you put on the marital relationship in this piece. Stepmoms tend to demonize the ex to feel better about themselves. There’s no need to shoot for being best friends. Thread Tools. Oh I agree with your advice – I think the point I was trying to make is that putting all the blame for “caring about the ex” on teh current spouse is not always fair or a good reflection on reality. Are we examining every move of the ex and not able to move on? I dated my ex for three years and we broke up a little over a year ago. I've to say, it depends on girl's characteristics. I can’t tell you the HORROR STORIES I’ve heard over the years of problems with exes. I think because of the competitive nature of women with other women (yes I said it and I meant it), the ex-wife/stepmother relationship is especially challenging and if we would all put our egos aside, things would run much more smoothly for everyone. He could barely care enough for me after 9 months, does he care about any of these girls and if he isnt 'ready for a serious commitment' as he told me why is he trying to meet any girl (by the way, some are NOT pretty at all)? Paste as plain text instead, × So, it’s not really worth my time to fume and stew about her actions and choices. View Profile View Forum Posts Member Join Date Jan 2011 Posts 117 Gender Female. This would be true for stepmothers as well. Between lawsuits, alienation, disturbing phone calls, requests for money, etc. The truth is, the EX is yesterday’s news. In my work with remarried couples, almost 100% of the time they come in for help, it’s because there has been so much focus on the kids and the ex-spouses that the marriage relationship is in the tanker. when an ex-wife in the picture is hostile, intrusive, angry, and attempting to alienate the kids. It’s an old, out of date relationship!” If there are children involved, there must and needs to be a current relationship. I’m new to the world of stepmom blogs and wish that I had discovered this sooner in my relationship. So I’ve had to learn to ignore them too. 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